today was...stupid

had some civil defense thing which included first aid(during which i slacked, and tied the proper elevation sling, instead of what they taught us, which was like some improvised sling-_-), and cpr, when jacob saboed me to do a demo by telling the guy i was from sj. and mook was talking about 3 stripes (trying to refer to my ranking) which made me:
1. almost choke while taking a breath before the next blow
2. glare/stare at him like he was nuts
3. "are you nuts?!"
4. mook, shut up. dont insult my seniors. lol.

what the $&^%@

went home with weixin, cherisse and zinc.
on the way,some kindergarten kids at the basketball court near the cc saw us, pressed their faces to the fence and called out "jiejie!"

and they didnt even know us! aww. sweetened me up instantly.

the reason i actually required sweetiening was because before that i was being pissed about the fact i was missing our first ever sj day in full u, unlike last year when we just went around in some rojak of full u and not, because of the stupid electives week, and i cant even go for flag raising in full u becuase they insist on us leaving at 7.45, 15MINUTES BEFORE first parade. what the heck!

i'm damn pissed now.

though zinc would probably tell me this isnt worth wasting any piss on. she sure knows how to talk.

i wished i could write some long emo story right here, or some nice play. but nooooooooooo.

i just dont know how to emo properly.

and some people think that not being able to emo is good.

this is dumb. i want to emo, but i dont know how to write it down here like i wish i could.

some people are just so lucky.

i'm writing for fast+fresh again, i suppose. but what if i cant get into the finals?
i'll be damn depressed. i want to write an emo play this year. and i know exactly what i'm writing about.
___________________________________________________________________

I'm not okay. Everyone thinks that it doesnt matter when they decide to mistreat someone. They think that person ought to know, or at least think that since they're just so bored they should leave someone out of their stupid, perfect cliques. It's only right.
But that's nothing.

They insist that since they're so bored, they;ve just got to push that person around, purposely emphasising that they're not wanted in the class. They're just some useless bug that's there as a little time-waster when they need a diversion from lessons. They're just some person who needs to be left out, or else they'll simply waste away. They love being left out, pushed around and insulted on a daily basis.

So now I'm just left here. Left here to die and waste away, because no one cares. Because it doesnt matter that I have feelings; as far as anyone's concerned, they're nonexistent. Because I'm just this person with crappy social skills who has absolutely zero friends, except for my stuffed kiwi. And myself.

People love to talk about how much I've grown, and whatever rubbish adults love to waste time talking about.

But all I do is sit there and smile. I pretend to be happy, to be insensitive to whatever taunts, whatever insults, whatever annoying laughter are thrown at me, not to have any feelings.

I pretend to be strong, to be resillient. To be the hardcore kind who doesn't bother about what people say, but just shrug it off.

But am I?

They're my only hope. And I'm afraid they hate me. For being too bold. For showing off. For not being able to understand their feelings. For having no feelings.

My squad.

I just love you people, did you know that? You're like brothers and sisters to me. Scolding me, laughing with me, laughing at one another, enduring all those hardships together as one, whether durings trainings or not. You're all so dear to me. And I'm just so afraid I'm going to loose you too.

No. If that happens, I'll be an impossible person - no, it's possible. A person in a friendship-based environment with no friends. No. I hope it never comes to that.

Please. Just be honest with me. Have I done you any wrong? At all?

Forgive me.

Because I'm just such a crappy squadmate. I know I don't deserve it.
___________________________________________________________________

just recieved the news that i may possibly be able to take part in sj day after all!!!
omg.
but i musnt get my hopes too high.
christine, you rock.
i love you sia.
no. i'm NOT les.
i mean sibling love kinda love
because my squadmates=my siblings
they're even annoying at times! just like sibling i guess
though i wouldnt really know since i dont havee any
aah! i'm happy now.
thanks christine!
you've just made my day,
and your new hairstyle is very nice.

Tøgêtµè® ŧ Øñê The Blubble Tea Squad™
forever.

I love my squadmates.
They helped me endure my crappy life.
and still do.