I have to tell myself again and again that I shouldn't be caring, shouldn't be bothering, and I should just let things happen.
But I have to care. I can't bring myself not to.
I don't want anyone to go through what I did. Or more like I don't want all this to replay again.
I'll sound like a hypocrite. Well I'm sorry. I just have to say this, just like you did.
***
When we talked about it, I had this sense of deja vu, just that this time, I was one of those criticising, one of those working to resolve the problem, one of those in the right. The last time this happened, I was the one in the hot seat. The one in the wrong. The root of the problem.
And it was just so screwed.
You can tell me a million times that you understand how it was like, you can imagine what it was for me, that you sympathise with me.
Imagine all you like.
Unless you've actually been through it yourself, you'll never understand.
Imagine you've been taunted, teased, annoyed by every single bloody classmate for more than a year. Imagine being hated by the very people that you look to as your only friends, the only people you don't hate, the only people who you trust like they were your brothers and sisters, your only solace.
Imagine that.
Then imagine them ignoring you, despising you, and not wanting to know you at all, wishing you weren't in their lives. Imagine they hated you while pretending to like you. Imagine them complaining to each other about you while you could do nothing, nothing, to solve the problem.
Because no matter what you did, they would just tell themselves, oh, she's just trying to get attention, she's so annoying, she's so insensitive.
Well, sorry for being insensitive.
But why? Why didn't you tell me a single thing about the whole incident? Why did you choose to keep it from me for more than a whole bloody year? Why couldn't you just tell me, complain to me, scream at me about this, rather than bottling it up for so bloody long and having it result in this whole bloody problem? Why?
Anger is like a bottle of coke. At first it just fizzes silently. If you shake it builds up gas in the bottle. If you continue shaking and don't release that gas soon, the bottle will explode.
Can't we prevent that from happening by just letting it out? Why do we have to keep this anger when there is no need for it? We've talked before, why can't we just talk over things again?
Is this really necessary?
Don't explode the coke bottle. Let's mend the cracks before they get bigger, before it's too late. Don't tell me it's not that easy, you don't understand, it's not what you think.
What I know is that no one wants to be hated by their friends. Do you want that to happen? Do you want to be the ones to pull someone apart?
Rejection is like a knife. At first it just makes a small cut. It heals, but leaves scars. But if the knife goes deeper, it makes you bleed. It kills you. From the wounds deep inside.
Hurt is like a gunshot wound. Small on the outside, yet the damage within is unexpected, devastating, deadly.
